Outsmarting a Narcissist is a science. You can’t just use logic because unfortunately the narcissistic brain is pathological. It doesn’t work the same as our brains. We have to understand what makes the narcissist tick. What they’re looking for in interactions with us and how their brain works.
If you want the narcissist to feel the pain you have felt, you cannot achieve that as their psyche is so deformed that when they are supposed to feel pain they just go into cognitive dissonance or they just change the story in their head as to what happened, so they don’t feel pain. However, I can show you how to stay in control of the situation when you have to deal with the narcissist
Here are some pointers to allow you to take control of the conversation and interaction with a narcissist. These are not solutions which will help you to live permanently with a Narcissist. Your goal should be to get away from them and have no contact, or very restricted contact going forward for the sake of your own mental health etc.
1. The very best way to outsmart a narcissist is to heal yourself. To heal the emotional damage caused by narcissistic abuse. If you had a dysfunctional childhood or have spent a long time with a narcissist you may have acquired codependency behaviors, not be in touch with your authentic self, you may have developed learned helplessness, People pleasing Behaviors, and Low self-esteem. These are all subtle programs that may be running in your brain. Once you can get these behaviors under control you will alter your life totally and leave the narcissist behind in the dust.
Now for some hands-on techniques in dealing with a narcissist. Just a warning, always be wary of a narcissist becoming violent and should you believe this might happen be cautious to what you do and say. Take the appropriate precautions. These tactics will often have caused the narcissist to go into narcissistic rage and this will drain them if you do not respond in anyway. If you respond with an emotion of defense or empathy, anything like that you will be feeding them again narcissistic supply.
2. When the narcissist says something hurtful to you, say “You seem really angry” in a very calm and neutral way. What you do is to use whatever Retaliation reaction you feel like you would use to that comment and mirror it back on them. Say they attack your character. The first thing you would do is to feel hurt and then the hurt would cause you to feel anger. the retaliation reaction in this case would be anger. Now you use that word and ask the narcissist “are you feeling angry?” Don’t try to defend what the narcissist attacked in you. Instead mirror the narcissist. The narcissist wanted to make you angry so they could feed on your emotions for narcissistic supply, but when you do this you turned its back on them. By doing this you reflect their anger back onto them where it belongs and they do not like it.
3. If the narcissist is shaming you in some way instead of defending yourself you could agree with them. For example, say your Narcissistic parent is shaming you about how strict or lenient you are on your children. Totally agree with them. Say yes, I’m in absolutely awful parent, and empathize with their points. You will totally take the wind out of their sails. They won’t know what to say. This is the power of nonresistance and as you mirror their words back to them they know you are taking the Mickey out of them and showing their behavior up for what it really is, but there’s nothing they can do about it. The only place I would be careful about using this is while going through a divorce with a narcissist, as they may record what you’re saying for court and it may be misinterpreted by the court when heard out of text.
4. Don’t show your cards. don’t try to explain your reasons when they attack you for something. The more you try to explain yourself the weaker your position becomes.
5. When the narcissist is being very critical towards you and pointing out your faults. don’t defend yourself. You can say wow! you are being very negative today. Then leave it and go about what you were doing in a normal manner.
6. When the narcissist says something hurtful about you, you can also say to the narcissist that’s not very kind in a positive calm manner then leave it. If the narcissist starts to freak out or tries to talk to you more on this say nothing and just go about what you were doing as normal. Stay calm don’t show any emotion.
7. Remember that there is a reason and an ulterior motive for every conversation the narcissist has with you. When they are acting kindly towards you there is an alternative motive. Example emailing you with a very generous offer for resolution during your divorce and then retracting it later to say they can’t afford that, but then using that email in court to show what a generous wonderful character they actually are. If they’re being nice to you be suspicious of what the true reason is. Believe me it’s not kindness and it may come back to bite you.
8. Whatever the narcissist says to you is actually what they believe of themselves. So, when the narcissist is saying really bad stuff to you can automatically realize that they are talking about themselves. In my case the narcissist told me I had a personality like hydrochloric acid. Looking back, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he is the one with a personality like hydrochloric acid. Can you see how blatant that is? This will help you to understand what the dynamics of their brain is, and it will also expose their weak points
9. You need to remain very calm. No matter how the narcissist is making you feel. How frightened you are. How much people are not believing you. How you feel you do not have the amount of finances you need in order to keep a roof over your head. How all your family and friends are turning on you. How much learned helplessness you feel? You have to remain calm. This has to be the biggest active your life. If you freak out in any way you lose. Doing this you feed the narcissist and you fall into their trap. If you miss behave cheat or lie even for a good cause, you fall into the narcissist trap.
10. Use one of the narcissist techniques back on them. Be careful about how you speak about the narcissist to other people. Especially those that are involved with the narcissist in some way and the judges etc. in a divorce.
Whenever you tell somebody about something the Narcissist did. First express how much you loved the narcissist and how much you wished the relationship could work. Secondly express one good thing the Narcissist does. Like they are so good at work. Then only state 1 to 3 things the narcissist has done to cause you pain and lastly make a weak excuse for the narcissists behavior. The reason you’re doing this is firstly the narcissist may have use this technique on this person prior to you. If you just come straight out with the issues you’re having with a narcissist you will look cold and Like you are the perpetrator, secondly by using this method you will show other people that you are a good person having love and empathy even in these dire circumstances. People are going to be more likely to believe you regarding the narcissist if you Structure your concerns about the narcissist in this manner instead of just going straight into the issues you have with the narcissist.
11. When the narcissist accuses you of being angry, you should say no I’m not in a calm Unemotional Voice. Do not say anything more do not try and explain Yourself in anyway. If they continue saying that just say nothing and continue with whatever you were doing in a non-emotional light hearted Neutral manner.
By using some of these techniques it will stop you from feeding the narcissist narcissistic supply and help you to stay in control of the situation.
If you do not feed the narcissist and you turn the mirror back on them you will see them starting to come apart.
These techniques will not help you in sustaining an ongoing relationship with a narcissist, but will help you to maintain your power when dealing with them.
Sending you light and love.
Delaney Kay (Daylight out of Darkness)
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