9 steps to breaking free from being the family scapegoat

If you are the scapegoat, it’s not about you. The dysfunctional family is projecting their own shortcomings and shame onto you and you have been brainwashed in a Macabre dance to enact their projections.

You maybe asking why is the whole family against me? Surely they all can’t be wrong? It must be me. It’s not you. These dysfunctional families follow certain exact energetic patterns. In fact you have been following the energetic pattern as well by taking up the role of the scapegoat.

There is usually one majorly personality disordered individual in a Dominant role within the narcissistic family, who is the source of the scapegoating behavior and the rest of the family are drawn into the downward swirl just like the spiral of water drawn down a plug hole. The other family members may take on roles such as the enabler, clown, Hero, Lost child as they stick to the main narcissist like glue.

Just like the water is drawn in a circular dance around the plug hole the family members in a narcissistically run family are subconsciously drawn into, orderly, yet pathological dances around the narcissist.

The primary reason for the scapegoating of one member is to miss placed any perceived shame, blame or unacknowledged faults of the narcissist and their running of the family on to a scapegoat to get rid of these issues. So family members can all be wrong. They are following an exact pathological energetic pattern around the narcissist. The reason the family members subconsciously play along is to keep the Dysfunctional family functional and together. Plus due to strong instinctive primal attachments to parental figures.

To break free you have to realize that you have also been following this dysfunctional energetic pattern by playing your part as the scapegoat. You must change this pattern within yourself.

1. Stop being the victim.

Many scapegoats have been brainwashed into believing that they are victims, and on some level you might believe that by acting out the victim role that others will feel sorry for you, be kinder to you and not too much will be expected of you. This is a losing and failing perspective. This mentality brings out the most aggressive behaviors In many individuals against a perceived victim. If you act like a victim you need to take the consequences for it. I know this sounds hard but it’s the truth. You have to start changing your attitude very quickly. A helpful tip to doing this is writing a gratitude journal every night before you go to bed. This will slowly start to change your perspective, but you have to mean what you say otherwise it won’t work.

2. There is a good chance that you are codependent. Most scapegoats are because of the environment that they were brought up in. Please look into codependency. I will put a link to one of my YouTube videos that explains the programs set by codependency below. Understanding your codependent behaviors will help you to develop healthy relationships going forward and assist you with adjusting your behavior towards your Dysfunctional family.

3. Unfortunately a narcissistically run family very seldom changes their behavior towards the scapegoat and will stick together like glue against you. Stop trying to prove to them that you are good, worthy or anything else. All you are doing is hitting your head against a brick wall and allowing them to drain your energy. This is who they are, and they are not going to change.

4. Stop showing your cards. Scapegoats are famous for showing all their cards. Not only to your narcissistic family but people in general do not need to know all your details or reasons for doing things. You are giving away your power. Stop it!

5. Stop trying to be the truth teller In the narcissistic family. Even though you can see what is really going on telling them is not going to change them and it’s just going to cause you more pain.

6. Most scapegoats are very much connected to what Eckart Tolle calls the pain body. This can drown you especially if you have been traumatized for a long time and your pain body is very strong. I believe this is the same thing as what Michael Brown calls unintegrated vibrations or felt perceptions which reenact themselves through out our lives. Michael Brown’s book the presence process gives us a tool for authentically beginning to learn how to resolve these accumulated pain/unintegrated vibrations with in our emotional body. However some of us might not be at a stage yet to benefit from this process. What I can recommend for those is to start focusing on your emotional pain. Being with it like a mother would be with a child who was in pain. Not trying to change it or rush it. I will put links to “the presence process” and Eckart Tolle’s book “The Power Of Now,” for anyone who’s interested below this article. Also if you would like to know more about “The Presence Process” and how it can help you, please watch my previous two videos. Links will be below as well.

7. Although very painful you have to analyze what kind of contact you are going to have with your scapegoating family. Allowing the family to continue the antics of the past is like drinking poison. Unfortunately in many cases no contact or extremely limited contact are the only options.

8. The support of a “good” therapist might be very beneficial especially if you feel you can trust them and they are willing to help you correct the faulty perceptions you have of yourself.

9. Start building a new group of friends that has no contact to your narcissistic/Dysfunctional family of origin. Be wary of extended family and friends that have contact with your dysfunctional family as they too can very easily be contaminated by this scapegoating mentality.

This is not an overnight fix but given time, and addressing all the points given above on a consistent basis will make a transformative difference in your life. Stopping the damaging scapegoating cycle and putting you on a road to healing once and for all.


Michael Brown’s book “The Presence Process”


Eckhard Tolle’s book “The Power Of Now”


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Links to my last two videos as promised:

Link to my video discussing codependency:

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Hello there! I am Delaney Kay and it is my mission to create greater understanding of dysfunctional families. That is the understanding of individuals that make families dysfunctional, and the devastating long-term consequences of growing up in such environments.

I’m here to show you what a pathological mind looks like, as they are more common than you might believe, and virtually hidden from most of us.

I’m here to show you why your life is not working out as you expected it. Why you constantly attract unhealthy individuals into your life. Why you feel so hopeless and helpless in many areas.

I’m here to show you how to change the faulty brain programs which were installed from your childhood experiences. You truly deserve love, happiness, and fulfillment.

And now I send these blog posts to you with love, and wishing you great wisdom, healing, and happiness going forward.

For more resources see, and subscribe to my YouTube channel Daylight out of Darkness, or for more intense one on one coaching with me click on Schedule your coaching session now.



  1. Tony A. August 28, 2018 at 8:01 am

    I am so glad to find so many (pages?) on the scapegoat. I did not know where I was going but now I have some idea. I want support but am begining to think there is not going to be any. I hope to find a counslor soon that understand what I’m doing and can help me. Not showing my cards is going to be the hardest. I think I get some morbid pleasure out of telling all and then playing the victim when it’s used against me. And sitting with the pain, O my, I have only begun that. I don’t much like it but can see where I can grow if I reconize feelings. I have been learning to know the differance between emotions and feelings.

  2. Miss Goat September 8, 2018 at 6:10 am

    Oh how lovely, yet another post on the web about scapegoats and how the way our family mistreated us is not our fault—only to go to explain that it actually is our faults. Thank you. I so appreciate this. I feel so much better now. Oh no, is that me playing the victim? Oops, must be my fault yet again. ??‍♀️

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